Ive done it again..
Ive neglected to serve the only thing that is mine that makes me happy..
9 months since i posted, quite ironically the same time it takes a pregnancy & here i find myself ready to birth.. this time myself!..
Lets start with the Choice he made..
After 8 months traveling the country in ROSA the Love Bus, we found ourselves in a Perth backyard, on the opposite side of “home”..
From my previous post you would have learnt that the medical system had seeped its way back into our bubble & deflated us with news his Cancer was present & needed emergency attention..
His choice was to walk away from medical intervention & do it his way, the way that is rooted deep inside him & return home to Indonesia to find the 9 spiritual leaders that came to him in his dream, after staying awake for 72hrs searching for the answers..
I was a mess..
That little person inside of me could hear my mouth convincingly regurgitate the words “his body, his life, his choice” but was kicking me in my brain arse screaming “who are you fooling Sarah?”..
Its a survival technique, you know, positive thought attracts positive outcomes..
The truth is, i wasnt ok with his choice, not at all & even though i was being compelled to follow him, i knew he was going with or without me, a man on a mission.. a man desperate to beat the clock to find the missing pieces to save himself..
I ignored emails from his professor while i frantically scrambled to get our youngest a passport, booked tickets & came to terms no insurance company was going to risk the liability of a terminal disease, we were going on our own knowing completely thats where we were staying should something go wrong..
Within the first 24hrs of landing in Bali, i walked out on him..
It was too much for me to bare, after having isolation for 8mths, only the 4 of us to make our decisions & if im completely honest with myself, having absolutely no say in where all this was going..
I felt invisible to him.. i resented him!..
Just like him, i felt i needed to save myself, my heart..
But where was i going to go?..
I had no choice than to suck it up, after long thought by the ocean & a scorching days sun pushing me to walk the distance back to the family compound, my western presence in the village a spectacle i couldnt escape as much as i tried..
For one long month i struggled to make sense of it all, watching him consumed with countless people that came out of the wood works to help him, my apparent struggle visible to him but not a priority..
I was pushed to my limits, dragged from temple to temple of every denomination, having no clue what to do, who to pray too, how to pray, or what the hell the purpose of it was..
And all he kept telling me was “trust the process Sayang”..
A part of me was so mad.. so mad we are never afforded a break from all this, so mad he had taken his life in his own hands, exhausting me & the boys trying to keep up with his quest, a man typically in bed for most of each day, but not here!..
The other part of me was accepting this is what he needed to do, one last shot & what my logical mind couldnt understand, my spiritual mind knew clearly..
Just like his dream, the spiritual leaders revealed themselves one by one & took us on a journey of self discovery, their smiles illuminated seeing him enter their space with a knowing he had returned to meet himself..
That month in Bali was exactly what he needed & it has changed our course forever.. it has changed the man i knew but have always known.. it has changed our marriage for good & bad & it has changed my understanding of love itself..
With our feet on Australian soil, i hit the ground running, eager to push myself to drive across the country to safety & familiarity, home..
It would be Christmas in 13 days & i needed my family & community to remind me i dont have to carry this burden alone.. after 10mths on the road & years of trying to keep us treading water in Cancers quicksand, i was tired..
It has felt like, if i just get him to this point we’ll be good.. if i can just get him to the next milestone, we’re good.. but the chasing has never stopped & it has exhausted all of us, our family & community included..
Once we were home there was no way we were getting our boys back on the bus, now they were with family & friends, so we decided to park up in our driveway & stay put for 6mths, putting the boys back into school & trying our best to be ok with our stagnation while we tried to work out where to next..
See what i mean with constantly chasing!..
I felt lost for 3mths suddenly having nothing to do, both of us together but back to our separated ways with our heads in our phones, mainstream living cancering us with its staleness..
One day during a mindless Facebook scroll i found a post about CBD oil & proceeded to follow my curiosity, getting more & more excited as the hours of research passed..
I couldnt believe what i was reading..
After years of quietly treating Catur with Cannabis, here was an opportunity to help others with what we knew, an opportunity for me to find purpose to fill my boring days & a potential financial future for our family im going to be left supporting on my own eventually..
It was terrifying actually.. we had to make sure the oil lived up to its promises, that we could attach our faces to the product, for a community that loved & respected us, as we do them..
All we saw was a small window of opportunity to get the oil that had been helping Catur stay alive, to the people without implicating ourselves illegally..
So we went for it!..
It was time to practice what we preach & help others know all their options & be there for our community the same way they have supported us..
I was swamped from the moment we announced we could help people access it, from day to night i was on the phone with those desperate for help..
I also was pushed to my limits, learning everything Cannabis, learning a network marketing business, an online back office, online conference calls, a growing team i needed to support, going head to head with a disgruntled Cannabis community & having our characters & intentions assassinated..
The demand was so high i felt a moral obligation to help everyone that came on my path & ignored how it was making me & my family sick.. i was even dreaming Hemp for fuck sake!..
Catur started to resent my time i was giving away, i on the other hand felt satisfied with myself i still had what it took to run a business that we both felt was ethical, moral & conscious..
In 6 short weeks i ranked 3rd in our Australian team & was starting to see results in all aspects of what i was doing.. financially it was very promising for us but more importantly people were getting the results we promised..
I put my neck on the chopping block & went live every Wednesday night educating the public about the deception around Cannabis & held my first public speaking event What the Hemp?, nervous but ready for the police that might of showed up haha..
The cause was more important to me than the repercussions..
Then the government got wind & shut it all down..
And with the freeze, i Crashed & burned..
I felt i had created such a burden on my community by trying to help, people now frantic their symptoms & illness would return, their reliance for pain meds they’d kicked would be back & no supply to offer them..
I felt deflated once again, finally finding something i was good at & could serve my community well being taken away from us all, never can get that break in life no matter how hard ive tried..
I slipped into a depression & locked myself away from my family & the world for a few weeks, working tirelessly to get refunds for all those that missed out while i copped the abuse on the chin from an outraged community..
8wks of non stop work equated in an overdrawn account..
I cried & cried, watched Netflix docos one after the other & did what any decent human being would do & sourced another supplier inside the country to rectify the mess i felt i created..
I stripped myself to pieces to try to understand why this keeps happening to me in life, why i give my all & end up with nothing time & time again..
My hands manifested what i felt.. for the first time in my life dermatitis came like a bitch with the message “loving giving hands vs greedy taking hands”..
I have nothing left to give but surrender..
Though this surrender came not as giving up but as arriving..
I have the most amazing ideas, i can turn nothing into something, i can build communities & inspire people but im always back chasing my tail to the start..
I must stop chasing & just Be..
What am i even chasing?..
During these last 7mths being home, Catur has been in & out of his self entitlement, his meditations or poor timing for them have grated me..
I came to realise i have been on a long processing of acceptance & with the CBD oil business i distracted myself once again, like i always do..
Its freeze was a blessing in disguise for i got to see myself finally & come to the realisation i need only save myself.. i must practice presence now, thats all there is left to do..
Catur has received the Calling, its so strong its bigger than our love..
I suppose i have struggled to understand this, accept this, old habits wanting to be his everything & nothing less, new teachings showing me to let him go, to be whole on my own, still beside each other to the end..
This is Tantric Love afterall & im on a mission to discover what that all means & how to reach its pinnacle, living it authentically, with my man i love with a cellular memory…
And so i am going through a rebirth, once again, undoubtedly the biggest ive come up against so far in my life..
Im leaving my family & community behind to follow him home to Bali, full circle like i always knew in my heart would play out, leaving the western world behind, a western woman in Eastern traditions, being thrown into the deep end of a world i have craved to know more of & nurture in myself, starting from absolute scratch..
What is my role now?
So much to learn, so much ego to break through still, so many questions..
Catur says “if you had a chance to live this life as simply as it can be, where we are together everyday, teaching our children the truth of the world, connecting to spirit & knowing who we are, why wouldnt you want to live it?”..
I decided im going with no expectations.. im ready for him to do what he needs to do, as im ready to face myself & give myself the time i need to discover who i really am under all these layers of conditioning i have picked up along the way..
Im daring myself to be raw & honest & not what i believe others need me to be..
Im daring myself to dive right in & arrive with open arms to all the teachings waiting for me..
Im daring myself to write everyday until i finally get my story to print..
Im daring myself to be brave & trust this is where im supposed to be right now in my life..
Im daring myself to push outside of my comfort zones..
And so i will invite those aligning with this journey to join my private moments of this transition, as i record all the highs & lows, behind the scenes with spiritual leaders, our attempts to live off gifted land, following our love wherever it shall end up on a new site i will launch on my birthday, 23rd of July called Seeking Samadhi..
For thats all we are seeking now & Samadhi cannot be seeked but reached!