Choice, CBD, Crash & Calling…

Ive done it again..

Ive neglected to serve the only thing that is mine that makes me happy..

9 months since i posted, quite ironically the same time it takes a pregnancy & here i find myself ready to birth.. this time myself!..

Lets start with the Choice he made..

After 8 months traveling the country in ROSA the Love Bus, we found ourselves in a Perth backyard, on the opposite side of “home”..

From my previous post you would have learnt that the medical system had seeped its way back into our bubble & deflated us with news his Cancer was present & needed emergency attention..

His choice was to walk away from medical intervention & do it his way, the way that is rooted deep inside him & return home to Indonesia to find the 9 spiritual leaders that came to him in his dream, after staying awake for 72hrs searching for the answers..

I was a mess..

That little person inside of me could hear my mouth convincingly regurgitate the words “his body, his life, his choice” but was kicking me in my brain arse screaming “who are you fooling Sarah?”..

Its a survival technique, you know, positive thought attracts positive outcomes..

The truth is, i wasnt ok with his choice, not at all & even though i was being compelled to follow him, i knew he was going with or without me, a man on a mission.. a man desperate to beat the clock to find the missing pieces to save himself..

I ignored emails from his professor while i frantically scrambled to get our youngest a passport, booked tickets & came to terms no insurance company was going to risk the liability of a terminal disease, we were going on our own knowing completely thats where we were staying should something go wrong..

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Within the first 24hrs of landing in Bali, i walked out on him..

It was too much for me to bare, after having isolation for 8mths, only the 4 of us to make our decisions & if im completely honest with myself, having absolutely no say in where all this was going..

I felt invisible to him.. i resented him!..

Just like him, i felt i needed to save myself, my heart..

But where was i going to go?..

I had no choice than to suck it up, after long thought by the ocean & a scorching days sun pushing me to walk the distance back to the family compound, my western presence in the village a spectacle i couldnt escape as much as i tried..

For one long month i struggled to make sense of it all, watching him consumed with countless people that came out of the wood works to help him, my apparent struggle visible to him but not a priority..

I was pushed to my limits, dragged from temple to temple of every denomination, having no clue what to do, who to pray too, how to pray, or what the hell the purpose of it was..

And all he kept telling me was “trust the process Sayang”..

A part of me was so mad.. so mad we are never afforded a break from all this, so mad he had taken his life in his own hands, exhausting me & the boys trying to keep up with his quest, a man typically in bed for most of each day, but not here!..

The other part of me was accepting this is what he needed to do, one last shot & what my logical mind couldnt understand, my spiritual mind knew clearly..

Just like his dream, the spiritual leaders revealed themselves one by one & took us on a journey of self discovery, their smiles illuminated seeing him enter their space with a knowing he had returned to meet himself..

That month in Bali was exactly what he needed & it has changed our course forever.. it has changed the man i knew but have always known.. it has changed our marriage for good & bad & it has changed my understanding of love itself..

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With our feet on Australian soil, i hit the ground running, eager to push myself to drive across the country to safety & familiarity, home..

It would be Christmas in 13 days & i needed my family & community to remind me i dont have to carry this burden alone.. after 10mths on the road & years of trying to keep us treading water in Cancers quicksand, i was tired..

It has felt like, if i just get him to this point we’ll be good.. if i can just get him to the next milestone, we’re good.. but the chasing has never stopped & it has exhausted all of us, our family & community included..

Once we were home there was no way we were getting our boys back on the bus, now they were with family & friends, so we decided to park up in our driveway & stay put for 6mths, putting the boys back into school & trying our best to be ok with our stagnation while we tried to work out where to next..

See what i mean with constantly chasing!..

I felt lost for 3mths suddenly having nothing to do, both of us together but back to our separated ways with our heads in our phones, mainstream living cancering us with its staleness..

One day during a mindless Facebook scroll i found a post about CBD oil & proceeded to follow my curiosity, getting more & more excited as the hours of research passed..

I couldnt believe what i was reading..

After years of quietly treating Catur with Cannabis, here was an opportunity to help others with what we knew, an opportunity for me to find purpose to fill my boring days & a potential financial future for our family im going to be left supporting on my own eventually..

It was terrifying actually.. we had to make sure the oil lived up to its promises, that we could attach our faces to the product, for a community that loved & respected us, as we do them..

All we saw was a small window of opportunity to get the oil that had been helping Catur stay alive, to the people without implicating ourselves illegally..

So we went for it!..

It was time to practice what we preach & help others know all their options & be there for our community the same way they have supported us..

I was swamped from the moment we announced we could help people access it, from day to night i was on the phone with those desperate for help..

I also was pushed to my limits, learning everything Cannabis, learning a network marketing business, an online back office, online conference calls, a growing team i needed to support, going head to head with a disgruntled Cannabis community & having our characters & intentions assassinated..

The demand was so high i felt a moral obligation to help everyone that came on my path & ignored how it was making me & my family sick.. i was even dreaming Hemp for fuck sake!..

Catur started to resent my time i was giving away, i on the other hand felt satisfied with myself i still had what it took to run a business that we both felt was ethical, moral & conscious..

In 6 short weeks i ranked 3rd in our Australian team & was starting to see results in all aspects of what i was doing.. financially it was very promising for us but more importantly people were getting the results we promised..

I put my neck on the chopping block & went live every Wednesday night educating the public about the deception around Cannabis & held my first public speaking event What the Hemp?, nervous but ready for the police that might of showed up haha..

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The cause was more important to me than the repercussions..

Then the government got wind & shut it all down..

And with the freeze, i Crashed & burned..

I felt i had created such a burden on my community by trying to help, people now frantic their symptoms & illness would return, their reliance for pain meds they’d kicked would be back & no supply to offer them..

I felt deflated once again, finally finding something i was good at & could serve my community well being taken away from us all, never can get that break in life no matter how hard ive tried..

I slipped into a depression & locked myself away from my family & the world for a few weeks, working tirelessly to get refunds for all those that missed out while i copped the abuse on the chin from an outraged community..

8wks of non stop work equated in an overdrawn account..

I cried & cried, watched Netflix docos one after the other & did what any decent human being would do & sourced another supplier inside the country to rectify the mess i felt i created..

I stripped myself to pieces to try to understand why this keeps happening to me in life, why i give my all & end up with nothing time & time again..

My hands manifested what i felt.. for the first time in my life dermatitis came like a bitch with the message “loving giving hands vs greedy taking hands”..

I have nothing left to give but surrender..

Though this surrender came not as giving up but as arriving..

I have the most amazing ideas, i can turn nothing into something, i can build communities & inspire people but im always back chasing my tail to the start..

I must stop chasing & just Be..

What am i even chasing?..

During these last 7mths being home, Catur has been in & out of his self entitlement, his meditations or poor timing for them have grated me..

I came to realise i have been on a long processing of acceptance & with the CBD oil business i distracted myself once again, like i always do..

Its freeze was a blessing in disguise for i got to see myself finally & come to the realisation i need only save myself.. i must practice presence now, thats all there is left to do..

Catur has received the Calling, its so strong its bigger than our love..

I suppose i have struggled to understand this, accept this, old habits wanting to be his everything & nothing less, new teachings showing me to let him go, to be whole on my own, still beside each other to the end..

This is Tantric Love afterall & im on a mission to discover what that all means & how to reach its pinnacle, living it authentically, with my man i love with a cellular memory…

And so i am going through a rebirth, once again, undoubtedly the biggest ive come up against so far in my life..

Im leaving my family & community behind to follow him home to Bali, full circle like i always knew in my heart would play out, leaving the western world behind, a western woman in Eastern traditions, being thrown into the deep end of a world i have craved to know more of & nurture in myself, starting from absolute scratch..

What is my role now?

So much to learn, so much ego to break through still, so many questions..

Catur says “if you had a chance to live this life as simply as it can be, where we are together everyday, teaching our children the truth of the world, connecting to spirit & knowing who we are, why wouldnt you want to live it?”..

I decided im going with no expectations.. im ready for him to do what he needs to do, as im ready to face myself & give myself the time i need to discover who i really am under all these layers of conditioning i have picked up along the way..

Im daring myself to be raw & honest & not what i believe others need me to be..

Im daring myself to dive right in & arrive with open arms to all the teachings waiting for me..

Im daring myself to write everyday until i finally get my story to print..

Im daring myself to be brave & trust this is where im supposed to be right now in my life..

Im daring myself to push outside of my comfort zones..

And so i will invite those aligning with this journey to join my private moments of this transition, as i record all the highs & lows, behind the scenes with spiritual leaders, our attempts to live off gifted land, following our love wherever it shall end up on a new site i will launch on my birthday, 23rd of July called Seeking Samadhi..

For thats all we are seeking now & Samadhi cannot be seeked but reached!

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Confession 2

Yesterday was back to black..

As soon as i opened my eyes, the tears spilled over & old mate fear re-emerged from the pit of my stomach..

Anxiety tried its best to steal my breath, as my heart beat out of rhythm all day..

“He has a considerable size tumour present in his pelvis & a concerning amount effecting his intestine.. if you want my advice, im telling you to return home immediately for surgery.. take it or leave it, just let the office know what you are doing”..

And just like that, like so many times before, in 3 short minutes over the phone, the world cracked open & swallowed us whole..

We cried, a lot!

We got angry with a universe that seems to not care..

We screamed WHY?, over & over..

We distracted ourselves with music & conversation, only to be pulled back into the darkness every 15mins..

The “fixer” in me went into overdrive, planning our hasty return to the other side of the country, the only action plan & support i would have, a hospital & a helicopter back to Sydney, should he obstruct on our travels home..

Like in autopilot mode, i organised for our youngest childs documents to be in order to gain an emergency passport, should we need to travel to Bali for any reason, though Catur was doing his own internal thought on it all, on & off the phone to close friends & yet to share his decision with us..

He has 3 options..

1 is a 13hr operation to debulk the disease, he has had this operation twice before.. its horrendous what they put the body through & in all honesty even i feel he isnt strong enough to go through it again..

2nd is the same operation with only focusing on a clean up to buy more quality time but here’s the thing, complications could hinder that quality..

3rd is to do nothing & accept he is “actively dying” & register again with palliative care..

Im sorry, which option did you say was better?

My body shaked uncontrollably while he told me he wont operate again, he has had a lifetime of suffering & he is tired..

I told him what ive always told him, that its his body, his life, his decision, i will follow him..

I did however need him to understand that his decision comes with responsibility & proceeded to tell him what a bowel obstruction death is..

For 13yrs i have sugar coated his life, taking full responsibility of everything, from paying bills to signing a waiver to continue operating on his body..

Not this.. i cant do this on my own..

I reminded him of the intense pain he has experienced with bowel obstruction in the past, that all i can do for him in the end is keep him drugged & aspirate his fluids he likely will be choking on..

Now some may find this as being unnecessary pain for someone trying to stay alive & full of hope but they arent going to be me listening to his sounds, cleaning faeces from his airways & praying every moment he goes quickly..

He told me to stop worrying, stop rushing, just believe..

Believe i can do, deny reality i cant when its my job to the end..

We’ve been “living” on the road for almost 8 months now, almost forgetting he is outliving prognosis by 6mths, forgetting he has a terminal disease..

Thats the thing with life, it tricks you to protect you..

Maybe this new tumor has been there all along these past 8mths & we had no idea cos he stopped having scans..

Our happy love bubble, popped in an instant with that phone call..

Yesterday i was a complete mess..

Yesterday he smiled, laughed & played music all day..

So here’s my confession..

I believe in signs..

We have come full circle by being here at this house, friends who bought the 1 dollar 1 million drum from him 13yrs ago, the drum he showed me in photo when i met him & the dream i had at the exact same time..

Before we even met physically, we were dreaming of each other..

So many “bizarre” happenings have occurred during our travels, with them all being men drawn to Catur with a message..

“Bro, you’ve got the lion inside you” – random man in crowd who put his hand on Caturs heart..

“You have so much colour pouring out of you” – random lone stranger on park bench..

People have also been contacting me to tell me Catur is visiting them in the dreamtime.. too many to be coincidence.. he is saying his goodbyes..

He has visions of indigenous ancestors every where we go & is always spot on when we research the history..

From my point of view, im losing him..

From his point of view, he is surviving this..

He just wants to continue on living like we were before the phone call, go to Bali to see his family & have healing & pretend all is fine..

I just want to go home..

But i also want to finish what we started & keep going for him, for our boys, living every day & not waiting for him to die..

Im trying my hardest to breathe & believe, not sure why some feel they need to tell me this though, like i havent been doing this for the last 5yrs..

Im doing my best to retrain my thoughts & fears & just trust he knows what he is doing..

I want to be at peace with it all..

I also want a backup plan..

I wish i could write something inspiring, something positive for you all but seriously!

Im losing my person.. im losing myself!

A good friend said to me yesterday i will never lose him, that he will always guide us & i have no doubt of that.. he is a spirit man & his physical life is just that..

Another friend told me i was his healer & i need to believe i can heal him to the end.. 

I wont save him from death but i will send him full of love..

I remind myself we have lived a life of love, that others may never find in a lifetime..

Am i selfish to want to keep him?

All i can do is support, smile through a broken heart & leave my grief for the crash & burn finale i know is coming..

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CD, Cairns, Crocodiles & Corroboree

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Where do i start? 2 months has past since my last blog, as sad as that was..

We have been LIVING on the road 131 days today & we are LOVING it, finally now we have found our rhythm & homes for everything on ROSA the Love Bus!

So much has happened in these past 2 months, it all seems like a blur but a love bubble blur, so all good on this end hehe

Lets start with our CD that finally arrived when we hit Cairns, after what felt like an eternity waiting for..

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The Beauty of Sadness is a personal conversation between Catur & I, written during our depression & our 7 week outback adventure last year.. We never intended recording when we first started writing these songs.. if anything it was a safe place to sing the words that couldnt be spoken to each other at the time..

How do you start the conversation with the love of your life about them dying?

How do you even say the word “dying”?

I remember feeling anxious with some of the words my heart was screaming to sing out, afraid if they were too direct, too much to hear, for him.. some of them were & instead of changing them, we talked them through.. just simple words that really mean nothing, became the space between us & glued us back together..

When we started sharing these songs with our closest friends, we were moved at how much they were moved, some of them reduced to tears before we could finish.. they have proven to be the most difficult songs for me to perform due to my emotional attachment to them & my proudest work ever!

Recording them was to save his voice for me forever, to save these moments for a lifetime & nothing more.. its just a bonus we have an amazing Love Tribe on Facebook that supports us & buys them haha

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Driving into Cairns was full of excitement, for we were to be met by family flying up for 5 days to be with us.. my eldest son, our daughter in law, our granddaughter & my mother, all escaped the chilly south winter to soak up the sun of far North Queensland..

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It was special time for all of us, missing each other terribly, especially Ava, fearing she would forget us again in our absence.. she didnt forget us & was beside herself to see us, especially the boys!

We explored like tourists & took a Crocodile cruise on the Daintree River, my heart trying to stay in beat with the sketchy small sized boats & a toddler not wanting to sit still.. There were crocs everywhere sunning themselves on the banks, which affirmed for me to never believe a local who says “no crocs here”..

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I wonder how many years you need to clock up before you take your own life in your hands jumping into these waterways? Did they never sing “Never Smile at a Crocodile” as a child?

5 days came & went in a blink of an eye & even though we tried our best to keep Ava with us, it was time to say goodbye again..

We drove up over the escarpment to Kuranda, a village in the rainforest & busked our little hearts out at the markets, sharing space with new travel buddies, Javier, Narelle & Ambar.. We just floated for the next few weeks, going to Kuranda Roots Festival & hanging out at the free camping behind Speewah Country Tavern, learning how to weave Macrame jewelry, blowing time before making the mission North to Cape York Peninsula for Laura Aboriginal Dance Festival..

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WOW! If its Australian Culture you are looking for, then this is the place you need to be! The largest Corroboree in the country!

3 days in the desert of the most epic dance troupes from the North, awesome costumes & music & friendly masses of people.. Jala fell in love with a young dancer from Lockhart River we still talk about daily, 3 weeks on..

He also made his first Didgeridoo with Catur, a father – son project for his 12th birthday present, from scratch to finish.. they spent the entire weekend working on that didge, stripping bark, hollowing out the termites inside, hand carving its shape & patterns, an experience like nothing else.. a special instrument made at a special event to take a special place in his heart forever!

He says “im never selling this Didge, its too special & i will always have Bapak with me when i play it!”

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After Laura we headed to Cooktown, slightly frustrated we couldnt get ROSA further north on the 4wd only roads.. we kept travelling south back to Mount Molloy’s Coffee shop, where we took up residence for 4 days with peeps formely from our hometown, the boys in wifi heaven, the best bloody kid free break we’ve had in months haha

Cheryl nurtured me by putting henna in my dreads & feeding us the most delicious meals.. Peter amazed us with his super talented art & gave me great advice for writing my book & Russell was a champion putting up with us all bombarding his home haha & training me up with great tips to run our own store on our return..

When passing through, make sure to stop in & tell him we said hi.. get there early cos boy is he is busy!

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Now we find ourselves back at Speewah, smooching off the free camping until Collaborations Festival this weekend.. they have generously gifted us a free market stall, so we are bringing back The Coconut Bar in hope of raising some Love Coin to service ROSA ready to take on the outback next week & hopefully to get us all home to Bali to see family & for more traditional healing.. my bestie is flying up tomorrow to help out & also to frock me up for my Finally Forty party during the festy.. best bloody friends in the world!

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I know i havent touched much on the deep issues in this blog, its almost like we arent saying the word Cancer anymore, instead focusing on what we have today.. he has out lived his prognosis by 2 months now, its kinda like “sshhh” while everything is going well.. he is alive.. he is happy, healthy & strong, the best ive seen him in years.. the boys are connected & flourishing & im still smiling..

Our days are full of inspiration instead of painful silence with too much time to think.. the people we meet traveling the globe have no idea of what we are going through & yet have enriched us with so much strength.. it is these people that have stopped us from using the word Cancer so often..

We arent dying anymore, we are living!

And that sure is easier to process then waiting it out!

Love wins, love always wins! 💜 xxx

Contemplation Circle…

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Testing 1,2, check, check, can you hear me?

Broadcasting live from the Contemplation Circle in Ewingsdale, NSW, another beauty in the Byron Bay areas..

We’re on the road again, one month yesterday to be precise, going where the wind blows us on our Love Tour..

Our Facebook campaign #LoveWins – Making it Count for CATUR & the community of Wollongong, helped us buy & convert ROSA the Love Bus!

Our story was picked up by multiple media sources & our local radio station i98fm gifted us 2k worth of fuel vouchers as part of their charity i98fm Illawarra Convoy for local families living terminal illness..

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An adult charity Dreams 2 Live 4, gifted Catur his dream guitar, a Cole Clark & complete sound system with loopa pedal, ready to take the show on the road..

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Our entire community gave countless hours, building ROSA, sewing curtains & making her into a home..

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It has been an incredible few months, since we went live on our #LoveWins page in November last year, in an hour long video, reaching out to you all, our hearts shattered in a million pieces, after receiving news Catur is given just 6mths more here with us..

Its like a blur for me at the moment.. so much needed to happen to get to this point.. even throwing another RASTA GONG Fundraiser together in a couple of weeks, was in there too!

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They say it takes a village to raise a child.. we are cradled in the arms of ours! So incredibly blessed to have the honour of sharing this life with the most exceptional human beings we call friends! Or our Lovelies hehe

It has been challenging to say the least, living full time on the road, our timing shit house with 6wks of rain to get us started..

By 6pm, on the day we were supposed to depart, we both looked at each other & said “thats it, stop packing, get on the bus & lets get outta here!”.. we made it to Coledale beach, 40mins North haha but we were on the road & thats all that mattered..

Our first stop was Ourimbah, Central Coast, where we were greeted by about 100 people from the Indonesian community, who had to our surprise, organised everything & had been cooking for 2 days!

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An awesome day & night was shared, a feast of food, entertainment & our first Meet & Greet concert, performing our album The Beauty of Sadness..

Unbelievably,  we raised over 2k!

Our fears pushed aside.. we finally had a safety net to travel on!

For the first 3 weeks we floated around from place to place, disoriented by the horrendous weather & trying to find our rhythm.. luckily this time was spent with friends & new friends we’ve met along the way, otherwise we were ready to chuck it all in at Croki, a place i’d rather us remember was where Catur & the boys had precious time together, fishing like champions, Kyans first memory of his first catch!

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So many people ask what are our plans, where are we going?

We dont have a plan, we’re just living Day by Day at this stage, no expectations & no regrets..

The past week has been spent in Byron Bay & quite honestly ive been homesick..

I miss our home, our granddaughter, our kids, our family & friends.. i struggled the first few days here, feeling displaced in an overrated town.. quite heavy with criticism, loneliness the true reasoning..

Catur has been alive the day we drove into town, thriving off all the creativity.. music basically..

I have been slipping in & out of tolerance & intolerance.. my desires are always back benched to make room for the driving, cooking, laundry, schooling, shopping etc i havent had one opportunity to write yet..

Last night on the beach of Byron, Catur lost to us in the drum circle again, it was really apparent to me how i so easily give up myself in order for everyone else to fulfill their needs..

So this morning, i set an intention..

I found this sculptured garden i nicknamed the Contemplation Circle, a space that was calling me to come write, a place for some deep thought..

Catur was making Ngoni in the shed with Jeremy when i told him my intention to write..

It lasted probably one hour, with multiple interruptions from 2 little boys that were in need of entertaining or food as their dad was nowhere to be found..

And so what i had hoped i was inspired to write after contemplating deep thought in this space was not achieved, i surrendered like i always do & im left not honouring myself again!

Im feeling frustrated!

These emotions are exasperated with the fact he is dying & im trying to make every moment count for him..

Dont be so selfish Sarah!

Now he is no where to be found again, Jala is playing guitar next to me & the loud sound effects from Angry Birds the movie is coming from the front of the bus from Kyans dvd viewing..

I give up!

This is the poorest entry to date & i havent the energy to keep fighting for it!

Over & out.. i will leave the contemplating up to you this time!

Confession…

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I interrupt my anal need for correct flow of events, for a private moment inside my head..

Im scared! Im fucking petrified..

Im scared he is beginning to show signs of slowing down.. fatigue visiting this house everyday again.. digestion pain rearing its ugly head again.. his stomach bag acting erratically daily.. his weight, just falling off him, right before my eyes..

Im telling myself he is just pushing himself too hard to get on the road but when new diet plans are suggested & palliative care registered, i have to remind myself he is dying..

I stare at him.. all the time.. the little voice in my head saying things like “you are so incredibly handsome”, “god im going to miss seeing your beauty”, “please dont leave me!”, “fuck im going to miss you!”..

Keep staring Sarah, so you never forget him!

I open my eyes when we make love, to take him all in.. to never forget him in these intimate moments.. i pledge there will never be another inside me!

I secretly record our interactions on my phone, collecting his voice, his character, his presence.. its all i will have left of him, of us!

Im excited to get on the road & make this happen for all of us, exhausted from the past 4yrs of keeping him alive, of trying to move mountains to achieve dreams, though anxious in every cell of myself of what could possibly happen out there, unable to shift the feeling we are getting closer to the end..

I smile & am grateful for the gifts he is given, for the love showered upon us but just wish he could be by my side until im old & grey.. selfish but i dont care!

Im terrified he might die on me out there, alone inside the Love Bus, just me & our boys there to send him off to the spirit world.. BEGGING the universe for at least one more year of good health to get us around the country.. to be content for him he did it!

Im practicing acceptance to carry us through but just want to punch the fuck out of whoevers face is up there for doing this to him.. its not fair!

He is the most incredible human being i have ever met.. i doubt i will ever meet another like him..

I hope i will honour him through our boys, i hope he will carry me when i fall & i hope more than anything, all this esoteric quality i have been given since birth will not fail me & keep him by my side until my lungs give out!

Time to wipe away my tears & get on with it..

He is happily carving drums in the back room while im privately having my time..

Smile Sarah, he is still here.. love him today, mourn him tomorrow!

Cramming, Caresses & Campaigns…

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Well this is a good lesson for me!

Dont let 6mths go by, without writing a single word..

Life for us after the BLESS UP Road Trip was a clever attempt at staying “high”, though as the months clicked past, he slowly retreated inside his head again..

Luckily it was winter & the caravan was too cold, even for his mood, though he continued to camp on our futon mattress we travelled with, on the lounge room floor haha

We learnt so many lessons out there on the road, lessons we needed to keep pulling apart & putting back together, in order to fully implement change.. it is an ongoing process with each other, as we delve deeper into each others psyche’s..

Returning home to the cold, was a concern for me.. would he forget how strong he is again? Would he fall back into the darkness? Would i be tip toeing on freaking egg shells everyday???

I keep myself distracted & enroll myself into a massage course.. its something im squirmish about to tell the truth.. i didnt grow up in an affectionate house & the human contact & my self body issues have me doubting.. 18hrs later i was a qualified Relaxation Massage Therapist, with an overworked body & loving it!!

The month of July had me visit 50 homes with my new healing hands, as i desperately tried to make back the $1000 investment & tried to establish sustainability for us again..

Massage came as a sweet surprise.. it allowed me to escape the home & just be present.. i say im a selfish therapist haha because i feel im receiving healing too.. 1 whole hour of thinking of nothing, all senses switched on, focusing on breath, touch, smell, SILENCE!!!..

I try my hardest to set up a little business, call it Wabi Sabi Massage Therapy (just like my life), renovate a small room in my home & let life sabotage it..

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The truth is, he did well.. for the first few months anyway..

Then he got sick..

It started like the flu, then the cough came.. breathlessness followed..

For days he refused any help or intervention, his stubborn Taurus hooves planted sternly in the ground.. i watched with gut wrenching worry, his almost demise, his requests to lay with him to keep him comforted, his continuous declarations of his love, for me & the boys..

“Im scared Sayang”, he told me over & over..

By the time i eventually got him to a hospital, he had pneumonia..

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This was another big lesson for both of us.. he almost died because of his stubbornness.. he almost died because im always confused of the fine line of allowing him to do it his way.. what got me this time though was, it was as if he was ready.. he was giving up!

I was upset with him.. the Professor was upset with him & let him know it.. if you can survive the Bali Bomb, survive 2 major surgeries, 5 unsuccessful Chemo attempts & you’re still here going strong, 4yrs into an intial 5yr prognosis, than stop being a stubborn shit with everything medical & take yourself to a doctor in time!

The winter was long & dragged out.. he spent everyday inside the house, like he said he wouldnt & i kept myself busy.. sometimes its like a fucking Yo-Yo like existence.. we make progress, only to sling back to the starting position, waiting for the tight noose around our necks to loosen.. some days the Yo-Yo string is slack & happy, bobbing through life, others it becomes tangled & one day, its going to snap!

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If anything, 2016 has been my year.. it all started when he walked out on me last Christmas & told me i dont know my own happiness.. i rely on him to make me happy.. i learnt, to detach doesnt mean loving any less.. i learnt, taking care of me is not selfish.. i learnt, my own company is not all that much to fear.. im learning who i am without him.. Though sometimes these lessons he dishes out can be hard for him to swallow..

Like my girlfriend buying me a ticket to a 3 day festival.. oh no no no no, you must not have this kind of happiness on your own!

Catur was not having a bar of it, hitting me with gulit trips like “but we said we will do everything together”.. um when??? And does that include all your boy time, uninterrupted music time, solo trips home to Bali or overnighters with mates???..

The absolute truth in the matter was, i was like the meat in a sandwich, a rubber band being pulled side to side to either my lovers needs or my mates desires..

The weekend before the festival, we hosted a backyard gathering called FIRE-DRUM-EAT-REPEAT.. it was another attempt to raise funds for his Medicinal Cannabis he had been without since our road trip.. he slept all day unwell, as i scurried getting everything ready, cooked a feast for the masses, performed with him & entertained those that attended.. our friends gift him a ticket to the same festival & all his insecurities vanish..

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Dragon Dreaming was fun & i was glad he was there.. we spent a lot of time one evening in our tent getting real with each other, finally going to all the forbidden places we had been avoiding.. it was kid free time we needed but probably not what my friends had expected & once again i needed to make the right choices for both of us..

We spoke about the pain & fear, how mine is the same but mine will last a lot longer after he is gone..

We spoke about our positions in all of this & how im being perceived by others due to his lack of communication or in some instances his one sided communication, the weight im carrying by protecting him & his wishes..

We spoke about false accusations against me & how unfair & unnecessary the burden is for me to carry on top of everything else i have on my shoulders..

We spoke about his illness & how it diseases me & our boys also..

We spoke about his inevitable death, how that is going to affect me & our boys, my fear, his fears..

We spoke about our future, his wants & needs, his last wishes..

All the while the music pumping in the background of a festival of ferals going off..

It was here in this moment of nakedness, complete & utter defeat, he told me “i finally see you Sayang”..

Yeah well great! Ive been here for 12 years already hahaha

It was here in this tent, we promised each other we are a team.. we have always been a team & people can say & think whatever their cold little hearts desire of a situation that is beyond them..

My responsibility to my husband is to love him in sickness & in health, to honour him in life & death & to move every fucking mountain out of his way to accomplish dreams he has made for himself before he dies!

It always astonishes me when people act in the best interest of Catur by attacking me, the one he loves most!

Dragon Dreaming was a time of reflection, seeing truths & leaving with new understandings.. it was also an escape for the upcoming 3 monthly check up with the Professor, Catur was dreading..

These past 4yrs has shown me that Catur is very in tune with his body.. typically when he says something isnt right, he is smack on the money..

This time was nothing different.. disease detected in the lower left abdomen & pelvis.. we’ll keep the scans for review, call you in 3 days for the verdict, probably no further medical intervention but don’t worry, we arent giving up on him..

And down the fucking rabbit hole we go again!!

Surprisingly, he did amazing, keeping himself up most days of the week of silence that followed.. i joined in, completely aware we were both putting up a brilliant show, internally itching for the phone to ring..

The day started with a love dove smashing through our bedroom window.. it was a sign our hearts were about to be smashed into a million pieces.. an aggressive family altercation at home with one of our older kids, followed by the phone ringing to deliver the news he has less than 6mths to live, followed immediately by a visit by police, to a debrief together in each others arms on the backyard lawn in complete surrender..

He wiped away his tears when the boys came home, distracted himself by fixing their bike & i locked myself on the other side of the front door, on the floor of our verandah, hyperventilating in anxiety & panic..

Then in the quiet times i asked him what he truly wanted for his life, that i would make it happen, that i would follow..

And his answer was “i just want to buy a bus & go”..

So with anxiety at its thickest, we jumped online & announced in a 54 minute long live video, he is dying & asked the world to share space  with us & give us a chance..

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#LoveWins – Making it Count for Catur Campaign was born.. our dirty little secret was out & we are raw & vulnerable..

Join the #LoveTribe here https://m.facebook.com/baliholidayraffle

The one thing that we both agreed on was, we know how to love!

Life is about contributions we make & leave behind.. those that have met Catur will tell you he is a spirit man.. he touches you in so many ways, yet he rarely mutters a word.. his contribution is to inspire others to be & be loved..

And so by sharing our life on Facebook, stalking some social media celebs that shared our story, #LoveWins has morphed into its own little community, with people all over the world practicing acts of love on our behalf!

#LoveExchange is a concept we both thought of, utilizing our ridiculously talented community to jump on board & help us grow an organic people power movement.. together we can make this dream of Catur’s a reality & at the same time help others..

In a few short months, a bowel obstruction in between, a quick 1 week Bali holiday for traditional healing, a RASTA GONG Fundraiser, newspaper/radio/magazine interviews, we have tripled our members & raised just enough coin to purchase the #LoveBus!

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We still have a bit to do to get on the road, mechanical repairs, registration, a heavy vehicle license, a paint job & some beds but who cares?? We have a bus!!

We are one step closer to hitting the road for good with our boys, teaching them what it means to make every moment count, filling up their memory banks of their father, so they will never forget him.. we are one step closer to forgetting about terminal cancer & remembering to live the life we want..

When people question my integrity, when people question if this is what Catur wants, when people question our extroverted way of dealing with all this, its the private messages we receive from others fighting to stay alive telling us to go for it, that we give them strength & hope, is when we know, you either get it or you dont..

All we care about is loving each other up, spending every moment together, teaching our boys what’s important in life, living openly & honestly & hopefully continuing to inspire others that no matter what life throws your way, no matter your losses, love wins – it always wins!

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To help our family keep on loving out there on the road, drop us some #LoveCoin here http://www.gofundme.com/th9ua48

Comrades, Center, Ceremony & Completion

Touch down Darwin! 

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After an early morning flight, we arrived in Darwin at 6am, flagged a taxi with a Curious talkative Kenyan, that was doing my head in at that time of morning & cruised back into our friends home in the midst of the mad school rush..

We lazed around by the pool & napped in our bliss, still buzzing high from our healings with Pak Mangku in Bali..

Our hosts Georgie & Alex went about their business & we tagged along, sucking up all Darwin was offering us.. when the bodies & heads felt like they were capable, we drove ourselves into the city to the Parap markets to visit Georgie & her Black Bambu clothing stand, where i did a bit of fun modeling in exchange for some free threads!

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The vibes were awesome, with an abundance of fresh fruit juice & international Cuisine to choose from, local buskers we sat with & chatted & loads of quirky stalls to stop & gaze..

Like this one, making items from introduced pest Cane toads..

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A few days later it was time to celebrate Catur’s 34th birthday & celebrate we did!!

Our hosts invited the local Indonesian Community to join & share the feast of food they had prepared, play guitar, sing & be merry.. new friendships formed in a City that was taking good care of us!

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A true Comradeship in Darwin was experienced, a real feeling of people genuinely interested in you & your story, going out of their way to help however way they could..

With some people power, Kerrys Auto Group & Palm City Resort Darwin got wind of our story & very generously offered us a free car service & a free night to rejuvenate..

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Thank you Kerry’s Auto Group Darwin for loving Hendrix the Holden! 

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Thank you Mel & Palm City Resort for our awesome time of relaxation! 

Darwin for us was like home & a vacation all in one, allowing us the time to breathe & recuperate, lazing around by day & partying the nights away.. our hosts were so good to us, feeding us well with fresh caught fish everyday after early morning boat rides, sunset cruises, markets & festivals, loads of laughs, perfect balmy weather & the space to share private issues openly & honestly..

We ended up staying in Darwin for 10 days, both hesitant & anxious to leave our new family & trying to find our driving legs again.. scary thought to be in the desert with only a loaned $2000 to drive another 6,000kms home!

Darwin pretty much looked like this!

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Hooray! We experienced the famous Mindil Markets Darwin & it was awesome! 

One afternoon at the communal table around the backyard pool, Catur surprised me by asking Georgie & myself what we believe happens to ourselves after death..

Here was a man that was locked inside his head, his fear, his pain for the prior year, leading a confronting conversation he never would have before, engaging in deep issues relevant to himself..

Here was a man struggling to set himself free from the guilt of religion & culture & trying to make sense of it all..

And from that moment, he strummed his guitar in a new melody & i found words that fitted us both with our different meanings..

“Release me from your hold, together we will grow..

Guide me on my way, let me stand alone..

Needing to be free, finding what it means, who am i without you?”..

For Catur, who is he outside of everything he has been conditioned to be?

For me, who am i without him?

But tragedy was about to strike, when the only humble gifted guitar we were traveling with, was knocked over & broke its head.. Shit! What will we do?

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We needed the guitar to keep the communication channels open, to record our song at Uluru, if we made it, though had absolutely no spare funds to buy another one..

I pushed my luck & asked for people power again to tag our story to Catur’s dream guitar company Cole Clark, hoping they could help a dream come true but it was a dead end after a brief contact with staff via Facebook.. Nevermind, i WILL find a way to get him one of those beautiful guitars one day!

Once again Darwin folk stepped up to the plate & gifted us a lonely unused Taylor guitar hanging around with a buldging belly & broken bridge, that 74yr old John from Top End Music, told us he could fix over the weekend before our departure, if he remembered to do so hehe..

John reminded me of my late grandfather, old school storyteller, telling his life story in one meeting of his wife he lost to Cancer a few years ago, his mother in law he still cares for & his enthusiasm for 7 days work between his two music stores he has had for 30yrs..

I liked John & he did remember!

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Thank you Leni for gifting us your guitar & thank you John at Top End Music for the repair! 

Mothers Day came the day before we were setting off & our host Alex, a tattooist at Darwin City Tattoo,  gifted me a free tattoo to ink my skin to remember this trip forever.. i chose a peacock feather because the boys were collecting them at Mataranka, our last night on the road of the first leg of the journey, a place where we were finally united again as a family..

Thank you Alex & Darwin City Tattoo! 

By morning it was time to leave Darwin, anxious & worried about health, we were excited to embark on the last leg of the journey, traveling through the red Center of Australia, with an over zealous itinerary of places we could see along the way, if the bank balance allowed..

However once on the road, the distance traveled didnt seem far enough for our first stop, so we decided to keep pushing on to Katherine Gorge, in hope there would be a cruise within our budget & activities that didn’t require too much physical effort for those with compromised health.. no luck! Back in the car & to Mataranka again it is then, to the pure delight of the boys, who were happy as pigs in shit to be returning to their favourite place..

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I just tried to keep my shit together to tell the truth.. Catur was retreating inside himself & the tent for the 2 days we were there, increasing my anxiety again & leaving me solo to deal with everything, until our last night we all joined the entertainment area to watch the resident performing family, Family Tree & Nathan “Whippy” Griggs whip cracking show which the boys absolutely loved & begged & brought a whip to take home..

We traveled a long 8hrs+ the next day to Devils Marbles (Karlu Karlu), taking turns in the driving, pulling over to ask the grey nomads if we were headed in the right direction as the sun was soon to set when a dingo darted across the road & welcomed us to the center of Australia..

We all gasped with amazement as we drove through all the awkward positioned boulders scattered across country, found a flat ground space to set up whilst the boys explored, when a German tourist reminded us to “stop what you are doing for just a moment, will you, witness this amazing sunset”..

It was a good reminder for us both to slow down & be present, dont let the magic escape our attention.. this is why we were in the middle of nowhere to begin with!

The night was incredibly windy & uncomfortable.. i struggled to sleep with the canvas walls flapping violently & a dream that woke me at my birth time of 4 dingoes surrounding our tent as i exited, the leader an albino who’s eyes lit up & activated the others..

Though i was determined to see the sun rise & make the most of it, exploring & goofing around, feeling on top of the world, even with eyeballs falling out of my head!

Everyone left Devils Marbles in good spirits, bound for Alice Springs, another 6hr drive, stopping along the way for lunch under a tree at an awesome art gallery that caught our attention with their Hollywood inspired sign, finding beautiful red seed pods we pocketed as souvenirs..

We drove into Alice late afternoon, stopped at the IGA for groceries, wine & sake, before driving out to Standley Chasm to camp, though at $38 per night for a carpark site, we decided to keep driving west to Ellery Creek Big Hole, a free natural wonder..

The sun was setting as we drove the isolated dirt track in, my heart racing with all the burnt out cars, though tents in the distance calmed the rhythm as we power set up & the boys went fire side to chat with hikers from Sydney…

Ellery Creek Big Hole was absolutely beautiful & so peaceful with the most magnificent night sky of an immaculate milky way, the best we saw on the entire trip, with the best acoustics to record music & icy icy cold water!

As we said our goodbyes to our fellow travelers, Jeanie whispered in my ear “i hope he keeps going & going & going & he never gives up on love”.. i loved that woman & i didnt even know her!

We should have stayed another night but the fear of running out of money if we didnt keep moving was real, so we headed back towards Alice stopping at Standley Chasm to do the walk..it was nice to see but felt it was overpriced at $30 after being spoilt with so much free beauty.. i called the shots & insisted we stay in a caravan park in Alice for the night.. a week in the desert & i was in need of hot showers & wifi haha..

Catur very bravely went out into the city solo to catch King Marongs African Drumming show, leaving us at the tent, consumed in my paranoia of the dark, loud violent street brawling outside the security boom gate, exasperated by the Cannabis i smoked alone on our dirty old Indian rug, in some dicey caravan park, in the middle of fucking whoop whoop, with a flat mobile battery!

Breathe Sarah, Breathe… aaaahhhh!

I should have just trusted that Catur has always been able to take care of himself & tried to get some good shut eye because he came beaming in at 1.30am with a big smile on his face, sharing his night out & his new Indonesian friend whom he went back to his home with & smoked a bit of the good stuff himself..

Totally worth seeing him with spark again & i didnt mind the late sleep in, as i cooked breakfast, washed up & started packing for yet another big drive ahead of us, bound for Uluru!

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Emilys Gap Rock Art, Alice Springs..

17kms out of Alice, we stopped off at Emilys Gap rock art & learnt about the Indigenous Caterpillar ancestors that formed the McDonnell Ranges to the East & West.. Catur snoozed all the way to Erlunda Roadhouse, where we pulled up a patch of grass to make lunch, whilst the boys hand fed the emu’s.. we meet a family here visiting their daughter on her working holiday, dad originally from Nepal & mum from Germany, headed for Uluru too..

Taking the turn off the main highway towards Uluru was so exciting for all of us, Catur drove most of the 2.5hr drive & when we passed Mt Ebenezer, we like every other tourists, mistakenly took it for Uluru & became slightly panicked the road was taking us in the wrong direction.. incredible how much distance there is to travel to the heart of the country!

We arrived close to sunset & made the decision to find a campsite at Ayres Rock Resort before dark was on us, set up like kings & queen & cooked a delicious dinner to share with the new family we had met earlier in the day.. by morning it was time to pack up again to drive out to the rock & our new friends gifted us 2 free adult admission tickets.. winning!

Catur said to me “see, when you are good to the people, the people are good to you”..

Its hard to describe all our emotions as we finally put our tickets into that boom gate entry & we could see & feel her beauty shining through our cells.. i giggle now when i watch video of us approaching Uluru, so many different experiences happening for all 4 of us at once..

Kyan, the youngest at just 4yrs old, can be heard saying “i want to climb up mum”, which we explain “oh no, not this one darling, its way too special”.. he was the first to see that far, people actually climbing.. his next concern was making it back to the resort before the gaming room closed haha

Jala, 10yrs old, was busily trying to capture the whole thing on his iPad out the car window & entertaining us with all the facts he had learnt about Uluru..

Catur held his heart & let out deep breaths as we pulled over briefly at the base, saying “i can feel the spirit, its so strong”..

I was a mixture of being overwhelmed with its beauty, disbelief i was seeing it with my own eyes, proud as punch i got us all here & content in my heart, there were lessons here for us to learn..

We took a free educational base walk with our Indigenous guide & learnt so much about Uluru & the Anangu people & why NOT to climb! The boys loved it, running ahead of us & listening to the stories, confused & disgusted in the people climbing..

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A 3hr base walk was going to be too much for Catur in the heat, so we drove slowly around the base, visited the information center, grabbed some lunch & headed back to camp for a Camel ride.. we couldnt afford the family to do a camel trek but the kids still got to have a $20 ride around & they loved it..

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We drove back to the resort, rolled out our dirty Indian rug on the grass for Catur to rest, whilst the boys played in the park & i travel blogged, waiting for the sun to soon set, so we could attempt another trip back out to Uluru to record our original song, Antara..

With the sun looming, we climbed a red dirt sand dune with Uluru in the background, mucked around with devices for far too long that we actually were frustrated with each other before the camera started rolling, however managed to capture our rawness & vulnerability perfectly, with Jala as cameraman & Kyan as the shadow dancer..

To listen to our song, follow this link to our Facebook page, Making it Count for Catur https://www.facebook.com/baliholidayraffle/

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Jumping for joy! The exact spot we recorded our song, Antara..

That night after we had put the boys to bed, i got a private message from a new clairvoyant friend, who wanted to share a message she received that i needed to go alone & dig a hole to bury all our fear & leave it there in the desert.. i knew instinctively the place i had to do this, being the Mutitjulu Waterhole, the resting place of the Rainbow Serpent, a side of Uluru we passed the day before & the only thing i could offer her was the 4 little beautiful seeds we collected earlier.. for me, i really wanted to keep those seeds, afraid of parting from any memory.. for this reason alone, they were not mine to keep & i would give them to the rainbow serpent to keep safe for us instead with her promise of keeping our fears there with her..

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On the morning we were leaving, we headed to Mutitjulu for the Ceremony.. Catur was quite self indulged this day, helped along with some sickness that seemed to be returning & involved himself & the boys in my ritual that was supposed to be performed just by me.. i was annoyed he was making this about him & not giving me the space i needed for myself but went along with it & dug a hole at the perimeter of her waterhole, speaking slowly & clearly, asking her permission to return the seeds to her earth, each seed representing each of us, begging her with my heart, for her to carry the burden for me & release me from the fears of Cancer, my fear of being alone… i covered them over & patted them down firmly & left her with my gratitude..

We drove that day with a heaviness & not much communication all the way to Marla, where we discovered via social media, Catur’s sister had given birth.. it was another heaviness to deal with, as i could see his sadness to learn of this new arrival this way, so we pushed on through the night, him behind the wheel, our first night drive, all the way to Coober Pedy, where we pulled over & booked a Cave house for the night, something i really wanted to do & something i wanted them all to experience.. the cave house was gorgeous & provided much needed comfort, though we didnt enjoy ourselves there at all (well the boys did), Catur completely lost inside his head, unconsciously sabotaging us all again..

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The next day we drove baron country to suit our moods, towards Port Augusta, taking in the amazing scenery of salt lakes, arriving late in the afternoon, disoriented & unable to make a decision of which direction we wanted to go.. keep going south to Adelaide the next day or cross over the border now to NSW to make it home before the dollars run out?.. i wore the pants this day & made the decision for everyone we were headed home.. the closer we were getting home, the sicker he was becoming & i started to think that perhaps a lot of it was caused by emotional issues rather than physical.. i drove us to Stoney Creek Bush Camp, set up by myself, cooked dinner by myself, collected fire wood with the boys & started a fire by myself.. Catur locked away inside the tent, in his deliberate exclusion, pushing us all away again.. i sat at that pathetic attempt of a fire by myself that night as i was determined to allow myself the experience, the last few days on the road..

By morning, it was like he was back.. perhaps all he needs is some tough love sometimes to help him snap back! We took turns driving to Broken Hill, cruising & taking our time, stopping in on interesting little towns, explored Broken Hill before setting up for the night high on the hill.. that night we wrote a new song about running away together, where no one knows our story or our names, bounded together once again.. the boys loved collecting all the treasures in the earth, scattered naturally all around us..

Its these precious memories i will hold on to forever.. the countless hours of conversation about all life’s mysteries & the lessons i help him with in letting it all go to the wind & just living, accepting & being at peace with it all.. this is how i honour him, in helping him make sense of it all, in helping him feel loved & supported to the very end, to help him feel not alone.. for me though, it requires enormous amounts of courage to go to these places with him, keeping a calm face to disguise my broken heart, trying to do the self work on myself also, preparing myself from myself, from when that time comes.. to love so intensly brings so much grief to come & i need to prepare myself now!

Driving to Mildura the next day was a mixed bag of emotions.. we were high on the road to keep traveling but excited to be getting closer to home, to see everyone we missed, especially our granddaughter..

We found an awesome free riverside camp at Kings Billabong on the banks of the Murray River, watching the houseboats float by, with our fishing lines out, a warm fire & guitar to sing us into the night.. the boys experienced their first bush toilet, which they found disgusting & hilarious all at the same time.. hey, if you need to go, you better go! Hehe

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We had every intention of camping in Wagga Wagga the next night, though we both were in two minds the closer we got to home.. we kept seeing white fluff littered all over the sides of the road & it wasnt until we pulled over for a manual petrol refill, did we discover the white fluff was Cotton!.. how exciting for us to see this & teach the boys this is where their pillow fillings & clothes come from, the Earth!

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It was a long 6hrs to Wagga Wagga & it was dark by the time we arrived, so we picked up some take out food & kept driving another 2.5hrs to Queanbeyan, to my long term friends home, she just newly built, for our last night on the road, looking a bit worse for wear haha..

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Waking up in a toasty warm home was exactly what we needed after 6wks on the road, a quick catch up with family who also reside in the same area & we were on our way home baby!

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It was only 2.5hrs to home, though seemed longer when you are trying to get somewhere fast.. when we finally took our last turn off the highway to make our way down our mountain, Jala woke Kyan up excitedly saying “high five Kyan, we did it, we made it”.. i thanked everyone in the car driving down that mountain for an awesome experience i will never ever forget & for being the best team i could have wished for..

We tooted the horn past my mothers house to an awaiting welcoming tribe & pulled up in our driveway to a gifted bottle of wine hanging from our fence.. best bloody friends in the world!.. Mum organised a feast of platters as we played charades around the fire until friends came to welcome us home, playing guitars & singing silly made up songs, having us all in fits of giggles.. too much wine & too much smoke & i ended up in a hot bath, passed out until Catur woke me at 1.30am to put me to bed, home sweet home..

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This BLESS UP Road Trip was medicine for us.. it was challenging & rewarding & provided all of us with so many lessons.. we are more than a cancer diagnosis, we are stronger than we remembered, we have the best support anyone could ever ask for & none of this was ever going to be possible without the love our worldwide Community has & continues to give us..

How can we ever show you all how much of a gift you have given us?

Thank you’s dont seem enough.. do you know how much each & everyone of you mean to us?

Even all the strangers that purchased tickets to our WIN A BALI HOLIDAY Raffle Fundraiser are loved just the same..

The only way to show you is to continue to live & love the best way we can!

From the bottom of our hearts, we THANK YOU xxx

 

Commitment, Composure, Caldera & Chakra’s

 

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Selamat Datang di Bali!

4200kms across 3 states & territories, a flight that got muddled up & required a rebooking of 2hrs haggling on the phone before boarding & we had finally arrived!

I was happy for Catur & the boys to be home, ecstatic i got him there on time for his sisters wedding (1 day to spare) but personally was neither in or out of it to tell the truth..

Long stints of disrespect will disintegrate a relationship, guaranteed!

Though instead of honoring my own integrity, i decided 2hrs before the event, Catur’s happiness was more important, with a lot of inner protest inside my head & heart, i joined him & our family..

The Coupling was a quick & simple western style Ceremony with a beautiful sunset as the backdrop, followed by a lavish 9 course sit down reception..

Despite everything, i shed a tear for her in the aisles & my heart ached with happiness, as you do at weddings..

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I drank as much wine as i could, to wash down the discomfort of strangers wanting to Converse my private family business to me, at a family event, as i kept my Composure for the star attraction with loose lips & downed every precise manicured dish of the 9 served..

By morning, we woke in our gifted luxury Villa – Seseh Beach Villas & i was thankful that was all done dusted..

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Catur struggled everyday in Bali.. the humidity & heat was just too much, even for him.. he slept each day away until sunset time, when the temperature dropped & a second wind blew up his arse.. He tried to catch up with friends & old colleagues at night & i tagged along, the boys happy as pigs in shit to stay in the village, their favorite place..

Though like always, the requests & expectations bombarded him, putting him in a state of stress when he was supposed to be relaxing & rejuvenating..

Funny how someone who has been fighting to stay alive, can push himself to complete physical limits traveling over 4000kms & a flight, is expected to be the one to come to them!

What part of dying do they not get?

I needed an escape & a volcano 1770mtrs above sea level was the perfect destination, thanks to a close family friend who gifted me & our eldest son the opportunity to leave the overcrowded family house in the village..

3hrs sleep before a 5hr trek with absolutely no preparation beforehand, probably wasnt the best organisation hehe..

Our pickup arrived at 1am to drive us to our starting point 3hrs away, a cup of tea & meet & greet & we were off, with a pack of about 20 other hikers..

It was 4.30am, dark & cold (yes it gets cold in parts of Bali), hand torches guiding the way, at a pace i knew instinctively was going to bring me undone & perhaps quickly..

It was a massive personal Challenge for me both physically & mentally & 2/3 the way i thought i was never moving from the rock ledge i claimed, hyperventilating & wanting to vomit from fatigue..

If it wasnt for our guide Made, literally holding my hand the rest of the way & pulling me up & encouraging me to keep going, i doubt i would have made the sunrise.. i was so thankful to have Made there, gently supporting me, quietly willing me to believe in myself, to keep going for our boy, Jala, to show him, no matter what happens, we will stay together & be ok..

fb_img_1474155506622Drenched in sweat, jelly for legs & arse muscles aching i forgot i had, we reached the summit just in time for the sun to rise behind Mount Agung infront of us on Mount Batur..

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I hate to say it but i smoked 2 cigarettes on top of that biatch haha as i struggled to bring myself back into equilibrium..

The views were incredible! We felt on top of the world on the ridge of the Caldera, as we cooked boiled eggs in the side of the steaming volcano, a natural earth oven..

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After an hour or so, it was time to keep hiking on our voyage back down, on the loose sand side that had everyone basically skiing & falling all the way in a humorous, terrifying fashion.. we were exhausted but not defeated & it was a memory for Jala & I to keep forever!

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The next morning consisted of 3hrs sleep again, as today was one of the main reasons we were in Bali, to be healed!

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We arrived at the gates before the sun had risen & before anyone else.. Catur was so nervous which i found really interesting, adjusting his clothes & dreadlocked hair as he paced back & forth..

I came with a somewhat sceptical mind, exasperated by tiredness, however was there for one reason only, to support Catur..

We have trialed so many “Cures” these past 3.5yrs, you get tired! Here is a man desperate to stay alive & he is worried if he is a good enough person, if he has a good enough heart to be healed, if he is dressed respectively enough!

This kinda pissed me off silently.. such superficial crap that means FA in the schemes of things.. and so not Catur’s style to care about shallow materialistic people in the first place!

People filled the street out front, mostly Indonesian but also a curious group of Canadians on a “Spiritual Tourism” outing, i helped with cultural appropriate”ness” by suggesting the girls cover their shoulders..

We entered the gates into a large paved courtyard with extravagant deity statues, signed our names in the guest book, fitted ourselves into ceremonial sarongs & sashes & waited for the guru to reveal himself..

Through the masses he found Catur as i was signing in.. i hear gasps of shock & the slight disorder becomes more quiet & still, as i look over & see Catur standing there holding his shirt up to Pak Mangku, in full view for all, telling him he has a rare Cancer he needs help with..

As we wait our turn to enter the healing room, Pak Mangku meets & greets me with a typically soft Indonesian handshake, fixed eyes & a question of how he can help me today..

Im a bit overwhelmed & tell him im just here to support my husband, as i gesture towards Catur to point him out..

He grips my hand tighter & looks intensely into my eyes, asking more slowly & sternly again “how-can-I-help-YOU-today?”as if i don’t speak the same language.. my heart begs him to fix the sadness, though my mouth says “i dont know”.. he leaves me & carries on with meet & greet with the other hopefuls..

Before we enter the healing space, Pak Mangku comes to me again, staring deep with his eyes but seeing me with his third, a mental undressing.. “how is your sleep” he asks this time, i tell him its not good, to which he prods me sharply in the abdomen to the side, turns to walk away & declares “because you have problem with pancreas”..

Because i studied anatomy, my logical mind was telling me the man must be confused of his organs because technically my Spleen is on that side of the body, though i never dared question him.. as he walked away, my eyes welled until they spilt & i was consumed with a physical reaction to this man..

We entered the 4 x 4m healing room & sat with crossed legs on the floor around the outer perimeter of the room,  Pak Mangku in the center, kneeling next to a medical mattress on the ground.. he is in deep meditation as if he were alone & proceeds to pray & let in spirit, until he turns & signals for his first hopeful to come to him & lay down..

I sit & observe, in full view of the other hopefuls & the group of Canadians across the room, until he signals for Catur he is ready for him.. instinctively Pak Mangku’s hands immediately touch the area of Caturs abdomen that has caused ongoing grief since his second Cytoreductive surgery & my eyes cant hold the water any longer & i bow my head & sob silently, as privately as possible in a crowded room watching, a sudden feeling of hope we were in the right place!

When he gestured for me to come, i crawled on my hands & knees to him, sat directly infront of him, our crossed knees butting each other, our noses almost touching..

He tells me to look in his third eye area as he deeply & precisely manipulates my neck & my own third eye, before laying me down & ordering me to expose my abdomen..

The mans hands were not at all harsh or deep, yet an intense heat radiated from them & an intense pain i had no idea of before, surfaced from the same area he prodded me earlier..

Tears rolled abundantly from my eyes as i clenched my lips tight to conceal, allowing him to do with my body as he wished, my sudden complete trust..

We sit again nose to nose, him massaging my third eye area backwards as he tells me in a whisper to “not be sad, stop crying, i can fix it”.. he was talking with my heart & i understood..

After a few minutes, our healings were done & we quickly left the healing room via the side door, undressed from ceremony clothes & headed to the back of the courtyard to receive our medicinal tonic from Pak Mangku’s wife, a healer herself & paid our $35 each..

We came back every morning for the next 2 days until we left Bali.. there is something extraordinarily magical happening there, physical evidence abundant i not only experienced myself but witnessed with other repeat hopefuls each day.. one man was grey skinned & so incredibly ill the first day we met him, his family carried him into the complex.. by day 3, he was pink & pompous, walking freely around the courtyard, chatting on his mobile, almost oblivious to the miracle that was happening!

I slept like an absolute baby, the best in years, my dreams were vivid & available, my skin was radiating, i couldnt help the vanity to keep looking in the mirror haha.. my incontinence vanished! Like completely vanished, so much so i had trouble trying to urinate the day after.. something i never shared with him, the blocked Qi lump on my Lung channel was almost dispelled & the lump in my left breast i have silently been denying, was no longer there.. all these things i never uttered a word to him!

We were light & full of hope, love & happiness.. the communication channels opened right up & finally Catur started sharing all the things he has been bottling up.. if not cured in a scientific sense, we were completely cured spiritually…our Chakra’s worked & realigned.. the burden of sickness was off our shoulders.. we were ALIVE AGAIN!!!

And we Consumated this union on a rug, under the Cassava tree’s infront of the family compound, with the full moon shining over us..

We will continue to return to Pak Mangku as often as we can for his healings & his love…fb_img_1474155672841

Terima kasih banyak Bali, you have always taken care of us xxx

 

 

 

Cruising, Coin & Coffee…

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And we were off!..

With our 22 year old beast, Hendrix the Holden packed to the rafters, 4 of us piled inside, no roadside assistance, no phone reception, no tyre jack, no spare wheel for that matter & absolutely no idea if we would make it & only $1500 in gold coin left over from fundraising, all that mattered was, we were doing it!

We had 7 days, to drive almost 4000kms, across the outback, to get to Darwin in time, to catch flights to Bali, so Catur could walk his sister down the aisle..

We had both promised each other, that no matter what happens, we would do it as a team & see how far we could go..

Day 1 – Wollongong > Dubbo – 600 +kms

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First stop, Three Sisters Blue Mountains..

Being our first day on the road, full of excitement & terror, we travelled 1.5hrs from home, for a timely breakfast & sightseeing.. with hundreds of other tourists!

Phone calls from Bali starting coming in, as news travelled fast across the oceans, we were on the road & attempting something that seemed crazy to them..

I was silently keeping my shit together & mentally preparing for such a challenge with a smile on my face, so took matters into my own hands & ordered my first ever cup of Coffee in my 38yrs of life & that Iced Coffee Latte worked like a MOFO & kept me buzzing for the next 4hr drive to Dubbo haha..

Catur was neither with or without us this day.. there were moments where he was really into it, though most of the day was a mix of him doubting himself & me, which left me feeling like i was driving the whole thing.. not just literally but carrying the burden also..

We set up our first nights camp, on a free riverside area with an army of grey nomads to keep us safe.. felt quite achieved for these virgin roadtrippers!

The set up was exhausting & frustrating for Catur, though i just let him do what he needed to do & assisted with no comment, privately thinking we might not get too far afterall & that would be ok..

What wouldnt be ok though, was his mental defeat sabotaging the trip for the rest of us, so i promised myself that night, alone on the rug outside our tent, that no matter what happens, i was going to allow myself the experience & i will not feel guilty.. i owed that to myself!

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Plus there were two little boys, whom have also been to hell & back these past 3 years of their fathers cancer battle, who deserved this time as a family & i knew in my heart, there were lessons out there waiting for us..

Day 2 – Dubbo > Charleville Qld – 800+kms

Day 2 was an arse! Well not entirely..

Catur woke in his night before mood, weighing us all down.. i watched & observed & saw a man who was mentally & physically at war with himself, unconsciously sabotage the experience..

The drive was long & monotonous, along a straight 800km highway, with nothing but red dirt & emu’s in between..

It was also Day 2 of sitting for long periods of time for Catur & difficult for him to find any comfort..

We broke the 12hr day up with a stop in Bourke & a history lesson on the banks of the Darling River, who doubled as a much needed rest before pressing on over the border to Charleville Qld..

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It was 6pm by the time we found the Red Lizard Campground, Catur was an absolute mess & retreated inside his head & tent as soon as we arrived, leaving me to set up on my own with 2 hungry, tired little boys..

And that is what i did!

As soon as i figured out how to get into town without a car to get more cigarettes haha..

I showered with the boys, in what felt like liquid gold after a long day on the road & laughed & joked with them about the green frogs on the toilets.. anything to keep the fire lit inside for all of us, that was trying to be dimmed by sickness..

It was 10.30pm that night, with ants crawling all over me, feeling the brunt of the road that day, i thought “he isnt going to make it, we need to turn around & go home”..

Day 3 – Charleville > Longreach 700+kms

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We obviously didnt turn around, we kept on going!

Hooray! We finally found our driving legs today & finally we ALL were enjoying the experience.. Catur even took on driving today, something he hadnt done in a very long time..

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We strolled through town, filled a prescription, shopped & set up camp for $3 on the river, fished, played guitar & sung with each other under the stars & made sweet sweet love, falling asleep in each others arms (prior we hadnt slept together in the same bed for almost a year!) happy & content, my man was coming back to me..

Day 4 – Longreach > Mount Isa 600+kms

Half way there baby!!! The scenery is really what kept our spark lit today, as we passed through amazing mountain ranges country..

Catur was feeling like a man, doubling his driving time today, allowing me to rest for 3hrs.. i just loved watching him light up, more & more, everyday! I begged to the universe to let us just have this time, this feeling again, of being alive & invincible, like we once were, just for a little while, if not a long while.. we had earnt it, we had fought hard for it..

Please! Please just cut us a break & let us have this time again..

We stayed with a Maori family, an invitation by close friends & had such a great time it was almost like perfect timing.. Catur was tired but he was confident.. the boys just loved being with a family & running around playing footy, with new friends..i was grateful for the company..

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Day 5 – Mount Isa > Three Ways 637kms

Crossing the border had us worried for a few a reasons.. one being we were carrying natural “illegal” medicine & two, Catur had no license hehe..

Funny thing is, we should always listen to intuition, because we did get pulled over, in the middle of absolutely no where, with nothing in sight, though luckily we spotted them up ahead & pulled over to swap drivers & conceal hehe..

Thats how you live life! Living on the edge hehe rebels!

It was a tough, long drive today, the distance feeling much longer then the number, by the time we pulled up at the Pirate Pitstop haha

Three Ways, quite literally a 3 way intersection, in the middle of nowhere, linking the North to the South to the East & vice versa.. a roadhouse full of roadtrain drivers, with potty mouths & a six pack of beer on his lap..

Atleast the boys made friends & Catur & i sang & played oh so ever quietly, to not attract the cowboys, though scored a wobbly boot at the end, who gave Catur a bud of the good stuff for his busking haha..

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Day 6 – Three Ways > Mataranka 543kms

Well that was a clever $49 campsite.. get em in over night, cos they got nowhere else to go, charge em $49 & they’re packed down & outta there by morning lol..

We took our time cruising to Mataranka today, stopping off & learning local history..

Once we did get to Mataranka though, we were all delighted with its beauty & it felt like the biggest reward after 6 days on the road, our last night sleeping in the tent, before reaching Darwin the next day..

What made it even more special, was the memory for the boys of their father, swimming with them in the hot springs, something he hasnt done with them these past 3 years since Cancer left him a stomach bag..

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We enjoyed ourselves here, a true sense of holiday.. the boys collected Peacock feathers, i cooked dinner & Catur played us all guitar.. that evening, once everyone was asleep, i sat alone outside under the stars & felt incredible pride for us..

We crossed the outback! Cancer or not!

We were reminded who we are outside of a Cancer diagnosis & empowered to live again!

Day 7 Mataranka > Darwin 422kms

The day was a mixture of emotions..

Almost sad this leg of the journey was over, excited to arrive & anxious to continue the adventures overseas…

After 6 nights on the road, over 3000kms, after all the challenges of fatigue & self doubt, we had finally made it to Darwin!

I was electric with new found love for myself.. so incredibly proud of myself!

And just like that, this is how well we were taken care of in Darwin, the few nights we stopped in before flying out to Bali, to the next challenge in itself!

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But not before i could snap this pic of our boys, snoozing between the long hours, on a trip of a lifetime, disconnecting to reconnect..

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We are stronger then we remembered! And no matter what, we will be ok x

Carpe Diem!

 

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Carpe Diem – Sieze the day! 

Have you ever dreamt of something for so long, that when it comes a reality, you completely freak out about the mere thought of even doing it?

That was me!

For the past few years i have dreamt about hitting the road with Catur & the boys, running away from our reality, disappearing from it all & just being the 4 of us.. a hungry desire to try save my family..

Cancer destroys everything in its path, including relationships!

So after a year of fierce fundraising, something Catur despised every minute of, we had raised enough funds to buy his Cannabis Oil for a few months, a roof top tent to get away & a little left over in the kitty of all gold coin..

I ambitiously mapped a great adventure around Australia, with exact hours of driving & number of kilometers in between, included tourist must stops & naively calculated a budget..

All that mattered was, there was an itinerary created, an invitation to take up the challenge, a dream waiting to become a reality.. though he wasnt budging!

He found every excuse why we couldnt travel, masking his fear subtly like a sledgehammer & there on that piece of paper, inside one of my note pads full of grand ideas, the dream to save our marriage sat there, just an idea on paper & nothing else..

The past year has been our toughest, one which i felt was actually killing us slowly.. With the return of Cancer came the return of our friend Fear, as we watched each other helplessly fall apart, piece by piece, self destructing & having no clue how to swim..

For 5 solid months, Catur got lost inside his head.. i got lost in my sadness, self medicating myself to the point of intoxication each night, trying to cope with the love & mourn him reality that was diseasing me..

I was witnessing him dying right before my eyes.. i was witnessing our love dying & couldnt do anything to help save it..

I thought this was the end & i was consumed in the dark hole of depression i once lived, before meeting him, smiling on the outside to others, crying myself asleep each night in my lonely bed..

When it became too much for him to accept, he walked out on me, blaming me for all the things that werent fair, knowing they werent my fault but needing someone else to carry the burden.. and i let him go!

I was completely defeated, exhausted, all out of steam, though i love him enough to let him be, with or without me.. whatever he chooses for his short lived life..

He told me i needed to find my own happiness outside of him & for me this was a great gift.. it was a huge slap in the face that crushed me at first but i soon realised he was right.. i needed to save myself first to be there for everyone else..

When he returned home, it took months of tip toeing around on egg shells, countless nights i left his bed in tears feeling like a whore, silent days again of no communication.. social media was all of our worlds, avoiding each other, avoiding the pain..

Then out of the blue, a phone call from old friends came, half way round their routine yearly Australian trip, looking for a bed, time to catch up & everything started changing..

I too was different! I watched curiously as our relationship started to blossom again within my new found sense of independence.. each time i tried to push myself away from “us” & do what he suggested, find my own happiness, the more interested in me he was.. finally as a woman i started to understand the ideology of treating them mean to keep them keen!

Just as our relationship had been compromised by Cancer, so has my relationship with his sister, who for the previous 8 years before illness, has been a great support..

A triangle formed between the 3 of us, growing steadily just like the tumor, destroying us from the inside out & when the news came finally she was to marry, unfortunately it wasnt the happy occasion we had giggled & planned previously like two girls do..

Catur was now in a position to make a decision that would leave either side feeling let down.. i removed myself emotionally from it all & planned a road trip away with our boys whilst he was away, an idea that became obvious he wasnt feeling the greatest about..

As the days got closer, he became more & more anxious about the thought of traveling solo & leaving his family behind.. i however felt content that i had no emotional attachment to it & watched curiously each day what was happening with him..

Then one morning, 10 days before he should leave, yet another long conversation about our solo plans, he suggests “what if we drove to Darwin & flew to Bali together?”..

Umm im not even sure if its possible, let me check!

I hesitated in enthusiasm as i was sure he would change his mind, pushing numbers on paper, mapping the grand plan into action, seeing if it was physically possible..

We made the decision to do it & both agreed we would do it as a team, meaning no one was to blame if anything were to happen along the way or if he were to miss the wedding..

And just like that, with very little planning, with no idea what we were doing or if we would make it, we packed up our car & our boys, giving ourselves 7 days to drive 4200kms across the country, to deliver him to a family wedding i wasnt officially invited too..

In true Catur style, the night before, he takes himself to a friends 50th birthday bash, leaving me at home, silently being eaten up by anxiety, my heart violently pumping out of my chest, my breath too far ahead of me to catch, consumed in fear of the very thought of my worse nightmare – alone in the dark!

What the hell were we about to do?

What the hell are we thinking?

What the hell am i going to do with a sick husband, 2 small boys, 22yr old car & limited funds?

We cant go! We arent ready!

Ssshhh breathe Sarah breathe, yes you can & you will!!!

Besides it was time to Carpe Diem, sieze the day, the day you have been dreaming about for so long, the day you thought was never coming.. you’re going before he changes his mind!

And by morning, we were in the car, with a message on Facebook telling everyone “we’re doing it” as our goodbyes, a stomach full of butterflies & faces bright with smiles, as we kissed the rest of our family & headed west…

We had finally siezed the day!

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